I have been failing miserably at posting each week mainly because I haven’t been working every week like I should. We bought lumber and have child care set up for this weekend so we should be knocking some of this out. There is still SOOOO …
I don’t talk about my kid much on here, but, guys, I am majorly mom-failing. Well, I am not going to say “fail” because what really is a passing grade vs. failing in mommy talk? I think if your kid doesn’t turn out to be a psycho killer maybe you’ve passed? But even then…
Let’s just say, it’s been rough. Jack has been three for a little over a week and somehow the devil has managed to take over his body and transform him into a monster that likes to torture me and then laugh incessantly as said torture commences. What the hell is wrong with this kid?! I guess this needs to be said – or else the mommy mafia will come after me – I love him to pieces. I miss him when I’m not with him. I watch him while he sleeps, trying not to kiss his gorgeous little cheeks. I want to squish his face and eat him up some days he is so stinking cute, and then some days, I give up.
I am not going to give you tips or tricks, I am not going to suggest methods and I am definitely not going to tell anyone how to parent. I am just here to say, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH KIDS SOMETIMES!? Let me paint you a picture. This past weekend, we are killing time in Best Buy and Daniel decides that he hates me for some reason and goes to the restroom – all is fine. The second Daniel is out of sight, Jack (demon in question) takes off in a dead sprint in the opposite direction. Ladies and gents, when this happens you have two options – 1) Let the kid run. Maybe he will miss you after a couple seconds and then he will run back into your arms, never to part from you again OR maybe he will run out the doors, get hit by a car or try to help a suspicious man find a puppy… I choose the latter to believe. Better safe than sorry. Option 2) Run after the kid. I am not a “fit mom.” I try to exercise once a week, but that’s a lot to ask and by exercise I mean take a leisurely stroll for 45 minutes to an hour – maybe a half hour of that is actually drinking a margarita, but semantics. So when my kid decides he’s going to take off, that means he’s going faster than a bottle of wine at a kid free mommy date and how can I keep up with that? I “run” after him and eventually grab his arm. I sternly tell him through my teeth, “you have to hold my hand now the rest of the time we are in here” and he decides this does not fit into his plan of ruining my life, so he goes full cold fish. Just limp. So I ended up dragging my whining three-year-old across the floor through the refrigerators, past the DVDs and into the printer section of Best Buy. Mother of the Year.
But it gets worse. I guess I don’t get out much, but Best Buy has these (new?) digital price tags that I don’t really understand, but they are huge and just so big and easy for a toddler to grab. After I gave my child some minor rug burn from dragging his lifeless-like body across the store, he wasn’t going to let me off the hook that easily. He stood up and decided to pull down on one of these huge price displays. Next to it sat a neat little stack of about 50 cards promoting something that I can’t even remember, and in slow motion I see it unfold. Imagine O Fortuna from Carmina Burana blasting as the scene unfolds: He pulls down on the display tag, and as he lets go, all of the cards go flying everywhere. Do you know what he does next? DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE DOES NEXT!? He gets down on the floor on his stomach, and starts spreading them everywhere laughing maniacally.
What’s a mom to do? My gut reaction was to pull him up off the ground and demand he pick them all up, but that just made him fall to the ground and start making more of a mess. I wanted to smack the crap out of this kid. And for that I am ashamed. I didn’t but I SOOOO wanted to. It was like I didn’t even know who he was. He was possessed and that wasn’t Jack, not my sweet boy… but it was. Just as I was about to cry in the middle of Best Buy, Daniel comes around the corner and becomes my back up. The three of us picked up the cards and quickly left the store. I told him how disappointed I was in him, that I expected him to act better than that. Who knows if it really sunk in. It felt horrible. Have we not instilled a sense of responsibility to keep his shit together in public? And more importantly why does he always want to piss me off? Was he just tired from his fourth birthday party of the week? (We celebrate separately with everyone). Is he a spoiled brat!!? That’s my worst fear.
I have no answer. I am in the trenches of life with a toddler and while I love my life and my little family most days, some days my little boy is a devil-possessed, shithead terror. Yeah I said it! (sorry Daniel for calling our son a shithead) Maybe one day we can exorcise the demons that seem to hate mommy, but in the meantime I have to laugh (and cry!) through it all and depend on my husband to back me up, just hoping I am doing a decent job. Maybe one day there will be a moment when I know I’ve actually passed this test of motherhood (or definitely failed), but for now, there are margaritas and tears… and then more margaritas and more tears and hopefully, one day, a little bit of karma for our kids when they become parents so I can then lay on the ground and laugh like a maniac too.
So yesterday I had a rough go of it, a rollercoaster of emotions. I had a developer reach out to me in the beginning of the week for a possible chance to design the inside of two brand new houses on top of a hill in the valley. To say I was ecstatic is an understatement. I left work in Orange County, drove all the way up to the jobsite (which took me about 2 hours, wheew) and just when I was ready to kill someone because of all the traffic, my tires hit the dirt of the site and my eyes were literally hearts. The hustle and bustle of a job site, everyone doing their job, pulling these ginormous houses together, was too much to handle, in a good way. I walked into one of these monstrosities and thus began my “interview.”
The developer (not going to use his name) seemed like a nice man. He described himself as “very demanding” but not mean. He wanted to give me the opportunity, but he also already had ideas and mockups of what he wanted which left me asking myself why exactly he needed me. I appreciate that he didn’t need me to know CAD and he had a pretty relaxed view of things, telling me that “people make their own stress” by freaking out and not just getting a job done. I think he wanted to work with me and asked me my price and I know I lowballed myself, but I am new at this and have never worked on a project of this scope, but it slowly became apparent that he needed more from me than I could give. I’ve said it a thousand times, there are just not enough hours in the day. This guy needed someone to be at his beck and call for 2 months and to keep him updated with every decision you made the second you made it. I think that’s fair, but I have a full time job and a toddler. Where would I find the time to do this?
The offer was also a little too good to be true. The design aspect was never going to be my vision, it was his and he wanted CHEAP. It’s amazing to me that someone could spend all this money building these 8,000 sq. ft. homes and totally cheap out on the cabinets / appliances / etc. I knew almost right away that I wasn’t the person for this job and basically was trying to tell him that. He told me to write up a contract and a price and to go home and think about it.
Cut to me driving home and having a melt down with my mom on the phone. Was I making excuses because it was going to be hard working for this guy? Was I not doing it because I am so comfortable (albeit unsatisfied) at my job now? When did she know that it was time to take the leap and start her own business full time? So many questions, so many doubts. I had a vision of me quitting my marketing job and taking the leap with this developer, seeing myself become successful because I took this chance, but also becoming jaded from hours of driving everyday and always worrying where my next job was going to come from. Was a I throwing away an opportunity of a lifetime because it was going to be hard?
I officially declined the offer because of a gut feeling. Designing should make me happy and this was stressing me out. My mom (God, I love her) had some good points, but ultimately she made me feel that it was OK to turn down this opportunity. It was OK to follow my gut instinct, and it’s OK to take my time and decide what’s best for myself and my family. I hope it’s not the last offer I ever get (plllleeeaaseee interior design Gods), but I have to know something better will come along and I will be glad that I held off.
I spent the rest of the day with my mom, a badass woman in the construction industry*, walking jobs with her by the beach, meeting contractors and clients (maybe potential design clients?) and dreaming of our future as business owners together, devising plans to make us both successful and happy. It’s pretty much what I needed after a crazy morning. It felt right, being down by the beach, meeting these people and planting THESE seeds and I have a feeling everything will eventually work out if I keep working hard at this.
*My mom sells doors, windows, trim, hardware, and lots of other things. What makes her business unique is she really is the only door and window shop (in the South Bay at least) to walk jobs and service contractors. She has explained to me that it’s very rare for any door, window, and trim supplier to go the extra mile that Alltrim does. Most other shops just take the order supplied by the contractor / homeowner / designer and that’s that, but she makes herself accountable for her work. She is a boss lady.
What do you guys think? Did I throw away an opportunity or is it good that I followed a gut feeling? I want to know your thoughts!
Welcome to the top 5 things I want this week! I spend so much time on the internet, looking for great sources for clients that I find a lot of things that I would like on the way. Some things are waaaay too expensive, but some things just need to be saved for a bit. Let’s see if these beautiful things ever make it into my home or yours.
- I’m dying over these marbleized painted bowls. Anthropologie never ceases to amaze me. I can see everyone eating ice cream out of these at an extremely decadent party that I will never throw!
- Ok, this frame is extremely cool. We have all seen frames that show your digital pictures, but this has all kinds of capabilities and its so freaking stylish! Expensive too. In a different life I can afford a 400 dollar frame.
- This light fixture would be so freaking sexy to put in my master bathroom. I have been looking for the perfect one and I think I have finally found it. I’m pining and saving my mulah! Rejuvenation has such amazing stuff. I want it all!
- OK, I have been wanting this console forever. Its so cute and I love the detail. I really have no idea where I’d put it in my tiny townhouse, but I’d find a place if I had to! I just went to online window shop it again and it’s on sale! Kill me. Still too expensive for an impulse buy.
- Last, but not least, these hand towels are too adorable. I am looking for stylish hand towels to go in our guest bath and I think these are them!